


i'd give it all to hold you again

by superdanvers



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Pushing Daisies AU, but i thought of this and im forcing you all to suffer with me, im so sorry, unrulyheartsweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-04-11 11:32:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19108804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superdanvers/pseuds/superdanvers
Summary: Not when Alyssa Greene was lying dead in a coffin.Not when Emma Nolan was here to revive her.If only for sixty seconds.orpushing daisies au





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i started this before unruly hearts week and am just conveniently hopping onto the au day to post it. also im sorry but if i must suffer i will share it.
> 
> thanks caitlin and izzy for my rights and for singing id give it all for you from which the title is from

Emma thought there could be worse things happening. She was lying to herself, but she had to get through this without a full meltdown, so Emma listed things that would also be unfortunate. She could be stuck in her parent’s house for Christmas after seven years of not speaking to them. She could be back at work facing a pie that had exploded while in the oven and made a giant mess she had to clean up. She could be unemployed and homeless. 

But instead she found herself sat in the corner of a funeral home with her ex-girlfriend dead in a coffin nearby. 

~ ~ ~

Emma’s day had started off normal enough. She went down into the kitchen in Juilliard’s around 7:30 to start prepping for the days’ batch of pies. Trent and Angie stumbled in at 8:00, Trent going straight to the coffee machine near the back while Angie started getting the chairs down off of the tables. Both greeted her kindly as they always did, but Emma still felt the same shock from their kindness. 

The day continued on smoothly until Barry Glickman and Dee Dee Allen walked into the pie shop just after 11:30. 

“What’s up, little lesbian?” Barry greeted her as he settled in the seat across the counter. Emma wished she were still in the kitchen and was not refilling pies at the front for the lunch rush. 

“Working, unlike you two,” Emma replied, handing them each a slice of the pie she was replacing without prompting. 

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Dee Dee said, picking up her fork and stabbing a bite of pie. “We got a case this morning. Pack it in the three of us are going on a little road trip. After we finish this of course.” 

Emma’s mind immediately flashed to the last time the three had a long drive somewhere for a case. The two private detective had sang show tunes at the top of their lungs for the entirety of the three hour trip. She grimaced at the memory. 

“I can’t just drop everything to go with you guys,” Emma said, but went over to Trent anyway to tell him she had to leave with the Broadway Gang, as she referred to them. Trent was aware of her situation with the two since her side job required her to leave the pie shop so frequently. He gave her the go ahead to take the rest of the day off immediately without question. Within twenty minutes Emma was sat in the back of Dee Dee’s station wagon with her headphones she had thankfully remembered to grab plugged into her phone. 

Still, Emma could faintly hear Barry and Dee Dee belting out Sweeney Todd over her own music. Emma wasn’t really paying attention to where they were going, choosing to read her book instead of looking at the scenery through the window. It’s not like the duo told Emma where they were heading either; they seldom did. She thought Dee Dee particularly took joy in confusing her. 

After a while Emma took a break from reading. She looked up and watched from her window as they drove along the highway. When she spotted the name on a exit sign Emma felt the familiar weight of dread in her chest. 

“Are we going to Edgewater?” Emma asked after a moment of internal panic. 

“No, no, we’re going to-” Dee Dee trailed off. “Barry, where are we going?” 

“Portstown,” Barry replied, not at all concerned with the fact that Dee Dee was the one driving the car. Emma wished that was her biggest worry. 

Instead her mind was trying to process the fact that the three of them were currently traveling to a town near her hometown. Edgewater was a place Emma had foolishly thought she had escaped. Five years she had been free from that place, her past there, her parents, Alyssa. Emma had built a life outside of the mess that was her childhood. 

Today it all came crashing down. 

~ ~ ~

Emma tried to stand up from the corner she had backed herself into to calm down from her panic attack. It was slow going, but so was getting herself not to hyperventilate whenever she looked towards the centre of the room. When they had arrived Barry and Dee Dee had told Emma that there was an hour and a half before the funeral started. They then said they would buy her time but she would have to do the questioning herself. Something about a nosy mother. 

Emma checked her phone. It was 2:35, meaning that she had been in this room for forty five minutes and hasn’t accomplished what she came here to do. No doubt Barry and Dee Dee were wondering where the hell she was, but Emma couldn’t get her mind to focus on that. 

Not when Alyssa Greene was lying dead in a coffin. 

Not when Emma Nolan was here to revive her. 

If only for sixty seconds. 

Emma took a deep breath. She could do this. She had done it dozens of times before. 

But Alyssa wasn’t hers to touch anymore. 

“ _Stop being so useless Emma,_ ” she whispered to herself, stalking towards the centrepiece of her present nightmare. 

“Just two touches.” Her final touch was left unspoken. 

Laying there Alyssa had never looked so peaceful, or so wrong. The Alyssa Emma remembered was always so vibrant, so full of life. This here, this was not the real Alyssa Greene. 

Emma took a deep breath. She took out her phone, opened her music app, selected the track she required. Steadying herself, Emma stood beside the head of the coffin and touched Alyssa Greene for the last time. 

The jolt nearly knocked her over. Emma always felt a kind of electricity flow through her whenever she brought someone back to life, like she herself was giving them some of her own life force. Whenever she touched the dead a second time Emma could feel it travelling back into her, like a part of her returning. It was never comfortable or pleasant, but this felt ten times more intense than normal.

_Sixty seconds._

“Emma.” 

It was a strangled whisper, but Emma heard it. If this entire day wasn’t enough to completely floor her, that was the moment. Emma didn’t have it in her to stand in Alyssa’s sight, so she wasn’t aware of her presence yet. Alyssa was sitting in the coffin now. The music was playing. 

Emma had a job to do. 

_Fifty five seconds._

“Alyssa.” Stepping to her right, Emma placed herself in line with Alyssa. Alyssa turned towards her. She looked in Emma’s eyes. 

_Fifty two seconds._

Alyssa was frozen. Once they had locked eyes she had stopped moving, breathing. Emma also was rooted to the spot. God, her eyes held her captivated, and suddenly Emma was seventeen again. 

_Forty seven seconds._

“Hi,” Alyssa whispered, breaking the tension in the air. Emma however was still tight as a drum. 

“You’re dead,” Emma blurted out after a few awkward seconds of staring. She was unable to stop looking at Alyssa. Seeing Alyssa Emma could pretend she was still alive, if only for a few seconds. Alyssa never really stopped being dead, this was just an unfortunate sixty seconds for everyone involved. 

_Forty seconds._

“I figured, since I remember being strangled,” Alyssa said. She reached towards her neck as she spoke but stopped just shy of touching it. “And because you are here.” 

_Thirty six seconds._

Emma may have gasped. Her brain was so fried she could hardly hear the music playing from her phone’s speakers. She must’ve stared at Alyssa like an idiot because she kept talking. “It had been five years Emma.” 

For the first time since touching Alyssa, Emma looked away. 

_Twenty nine seconds._

“You left and it took me dying for you to come back,” Alyssa continued when Emma still didn’t speak. Emma had no idea how Alyssa managed to say all this, coping when she was the one who had died. Emma could hardly form a coherent thought beyond how much prettier Alyssa looked filled with life again instead of lying dead in the coffin. 

_Twenty five seconds._

“That’s not why I’m here,” Emma says, still not able to look Alyssa in the eye. Yet Emma can see Alyssa’s entire demeanor drop. It was small enough that by somebody else it would go unnoticed, but Emma has spent much of her life observing Alyssa Greene. 

_Twenty two seconds._

“I’m here to find out who killed you.” 

_Twenty seconds._

Alyssa was moving. She was scrambling out of the coffin and moving away from Emma. 

“No,” she said, her voice growing louder as she continued to speak. “You don’t get to come in here after what we went through to act all chivalrous. No, not chivalrous. You think you’re Batman? Are you trying to avenge my death in your twisted up leftover guilt from high school? That is not your place and it is not cool Emma, go to therapy for that shit.” 

_Twelve seconds._

Emma was fucked. 

_Eleven seconds._

Alyssa was walking away. 

_Ten seconds._

They stood with a coffin between them. 

_Nine seconds._

The music was suddenly blasting in Emma’s ears. All she could hear was the tune spreading up, winding down. 

_Eight seconds._

She was out of time. Alyssa was too far away. 

_Seven seconds._

Emma had to get closer. She started to walk around the coffin. 

_Four seconds._

She had to say something. They were close now. 

_Three seconds._

“I didn’t know you were dead!” 

_Two seconds._

_One second._

Zero.

The music had stopped. 

Alyssa had not. 

~ ~ ~ 

Kaylee had. 

~ ~ ~

Emma’s to-do list had expanded. It had gone from trying to solve a murder and collect the cash reward to split three ways, to sneak her ex-girlfriend that should be dead out of a funeral home, explain why her ex-girlfriend was not dead to Barry and Dee Dee, figure out what to do with Alyssa, and solve her murder. All while trying not to have another breakdown. Emma was not coping well. 

Alyssa was still staring at her in shock. Emma hadn’t moved either. After her outburst, they both stood frozen, neither knowing what to say. Emma could tell Alyssa was trying to process the information, that Emma hadn’t known she was dead. She could see Alyssa trying to work out why she was here if it wasn’t for her. 

Emma meanwhile was trying to come to terms with everything she had done in the past two minutes. She had killed someone. God knows who, Emma really didn’t want to find out. Christ she wasn’t thinking properly. She just let someone die, it could’ve been Barry - what if it was Barry or Dee Dee? Were they even nearby?

Emma focused back on Alyssa. What’s done is done. She’ll have to deal with everything later, if she ever makes it out of this situation. 

Alyssa opened her mouth, but was cut off by the sound of a door opening and voices. Other people were here. 

“We need to leave,” Emma said. “Now.” She looked around the room trying to find the back door she came in through when she saw the coffin again. Fuck. She can’t leave an empty coffin but she can’t think and there is no time. 

Emma saw a bookshelf. This wasn’t going to work but it might buy enough time to leave town. 

“Emma what the hell,” Alyssa asked as Emma started hurling books into the coffin and shutting the lid.

“I’m panicking I can’t think of a better plan,” Emma said. The voices were getting louder which meant they were getting closer. Time to go. 

Emma went to grab Alyssa’s hand to pull her towards the door but stopped herself just shy of touching her. Emma couldn’t touch Alyssa, she would die. Or go back to being dead. Emma could never touch Alyssa again. Shaking that thought from her head Emma instead grabbed the sleeve of the blazer Alyssa was going to be buried in and pulled her towards the door. 

~ ~ ~ 

Getting Alyssa away from the funeral home unseen was difficult, but not as difficult as being with Alyssa again. Not able to meet up with Barry and Dee Dee where the car was parked, Emma had texted them to go to a nearby park and sent them the address. Alyssa had stayed silent for the duration of the journey. She was no doubt still processing her recent aliveness, much like Emma was. Emma herself only spoke to guide Alyssa when they needed to evade people. 

Emma finally felt like they weren’t going to be discovered by grieving townsfolk - or worse, Alyssa’s mother - when they reached tree cover near the back of a empty park. Emma found a tree, sat down under it, and threw her face into her hands. God she was exhausted. 

She heard Alyssa sit down nearby. When she spoke, it was cautious. A whisper.

“You didn’t know.” Alyssa said it like she was stating a fact, with little emotion behind her voice. However, when Emma looked up at Alyssa there were tears in her eyes. 

Emma shook her head. Alyssa looked away. 

“Then why are you here Emma?” Alyssa asked, staring off into the distance. “Why am I here?”

Emma didn’t know what to say. What could she say? That her side job involves asking people who murdered them and that Alyssa not staying dead wasn’t part of the plan? 

Emma’s phone rang instead. She answered it. 

“As much as I love wandering around clueless in redneck country where the fuck are you?” Dee Dee started without greeting. 

“Sorry honey you know how cranky Dee Dee gets without her mid afternoon nap,” Barry cut in. Dee Dee started to yell profanities at the both of them so Barry switched his phone off of speaker. “We’ve had to hang around hicks for over an hour. I nearly said y’all Emma please tell us we can leave. Also who the murderer was.” 

“Yeah just come into the park,” Emma replied, ignoring the murder question. Her phone speaker was loud enough that Alyssa could probably overhear the conversation. She was looking away though. “Oh and can you bring my sweater out of the back?” 

Emma needed to get Alyssa out without being recognized. Even if the thought of Alyssa once again wearing her sweater knocked all the air out of her lungs. 

“We just have to park the car,” Barry said, pausing for a moment when Dee Dee started to yell again in the background. “I may have to talk Dee Dee out of rear ending someone. Can you get here soon? I may need backup”

Emma looked at Alyssa again. “I need you guys to come to me. Just walk north from the parking lot and I’ll find you.” Barry sighed but agreed and hung up. 

“Ashamed of me now? At least we are switching things up,” Alyssa spoke bitterly, though Emma suspected - and selfishly hoped - that the bitterness was more directed at herself than Emma. 

“It might be a little much to explain over the phone, don’t you think?” 

“Well you haven’t explained anything Emma I don’t know why you’re about to start.” Emma knew that Alyssa was upset. She supposed it was warranted, given that Emma had brought her back to life and then stolen her away from her own funeral, but it still hurt to have Alyssa snap at her. 

_Start with the truth Emma,_ she thought. 

“I have a part time job solving murders,” Emma started. It was the easiest thing to talk about and Emma knew that once Barry and Dee Dee arrived she would be forced to confront everything that happened today. 

Alyssa looked truly shocked, despite the days events. “Wow that’s-“ 

“EMMA!” Barry yelled, sounding not far off. At least they had found them and Emma could get out of this hell forsaken town where nothing good ever happened. Besides Alyssa.

Emma stood up and walked towards Barry and Dee Dee. “Hey guys,” Emma greeted when she was in sight of them. Barry smiles warmly at her and Dee Dee looked furious. 

“Why the hell have I had to walk around this uncultured land?” Dee Dee demanded. Barry handed Emma her sweater and she nodded her thanks. 

“You were the one that took this case, you should have looked at a map before agreeing” Emma responded before turning around and walking back to where Alyssa had stayed. 

Alyssa was standing beside the tree. Barry and Dee Dee were following Emma but all she could focus on yet again was Alyssa Greene. Emma finally allowed herself to study Alyssa, see how much five years has changed her. 

But god, she was still just as beautiful as the last time Emma saw her. 

“Here,” Emma said, handing Alyssa the sweater. “Hoods up would be best to get away unnoticed.”

Alyssa studied the old, purple sweater for a moment. “This is mine.” 

Emma hadn’t even realized. It had been so long, she must’ve forgotten it wasn’t hers to begin with. She felt herself blush. 

“Good god Emma what have you done?” Dee Dee asked. Emma turned around to see them standing behind her with shocked looks on their faces. 

“This is one hell of a gay disaster.” 

~ ~ ~ 

Emma had demanded to drive the group back to Juilliard’s. She couldn’t stand to be in the back of Dee Dee’s car with Alyssa, not being able to touch her. Which she hasn’t told Alyssa yet. A bad choice on Emma’s part but she was just so tired and couldn’t stand to do it with an audience, especially if Dee Dee Allen was in that audience. Maybe she could face the consequences of her actions after a week long nap. 

Barry and Dee Dee had been a lot during the car ride home. Emma had given the sparknotes version of her afternoon to them. The two had yelled a fair amount. Alyssa has stayed silent for the entire ride. 

Emma walked into the pie shop, Dee Dee on her heels still giving her a lecture that had started halfway through the ride home. 

Trent and Angie were still in the shop but the place was otherwise empty. At least it was ten minutes to closing and the four of them could have somewhere quiet to talk and eat pie. Emma had been away all afternoon. She still had to clean up the kitchen and do all the prep work for tomorrow’s pies before she could sleep. 

The four of them stalked into the pie shop single file. Emma continued to ignored Dee Dee, nodded to her coworkers and went behind the counter to get herself some well-deserved pie. 

Alyssa was the last to walk in, trying to be quiet. Hoping she would be unnoticed. 

Angie saw her immediately. “Emma brought a girl home!” Angie yelled excitedly. “Emma’s never brought a girl home before!” 

Emma looked at the pie in the display case and grabbed a fork. 

When Barry protested she grabbed plates and a knife. 

Alyssa finally spoke when Emma slide a piece of pie in front of her. “You make pies here.” Alyssa said it like she was stating the fact. Emma understood the meaning behind it. Suddenly finding herself choked up Emma could only nod in response. 

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, looking at the apple pie in front of her but not yet eating. “I would’ve told you earlier, or reached out, but with no funeral…” Emma looked away, fighting back tears. However in avoiding Alyssa she faced Barry and Dee Dee, both eating pie and watching the two of them. 

“She didn’t want one.” Emma said, leaving unspoken that Emma couldn’t manage one either. The thought at her dead grandmother, her parents, Alyssa all in one room. It would not have been a good scene. That was assuming her parents would have gone to the funeral. Emma was the one who had to deal with everything two years ago, not her dad. 

Alyssa looked like she was going to say something but decided against it. She looked around the room, at Barry and Dee Dee, both still watching them intensely, pie gone. At Trent and Angie, both closing up the shop but still keeping an eye on them. She looked back at Emma and her curiosity won out. 

“Why didn’t you, you know,” Alyssa said, making a pointing hand motion to get her point across without having to say the words. She bit her lip after she spoke, no doubt ashamed for asking but trying to figure out why Emma had touched her but not the Grandmother she clearly loved. 

Emma often thought about it when she let herself, usually in the dead of night when she missed her Grandma the most. When Emma was back in Edgewater dealing with everything there was a moment where she was going to. In the funeral home figuring out the burial details Emma was just a few feet away from Betsy Nolan. Alone, she nearly crossed the distance and brought her Grandma back to life, but the thought of not being able to hug her stopped Emma. It was a selfish reason, but enough for her to take a step back and think about it. Her Grandma wouldn’t have enjoyed life after death. Emma knew she made the right decision, but it still hurt. Emma still missed her every day. She tried to channel her feelings and honour her by doing what they both loved, making pies. 

Emma was brought back to reality by Barry coughing in the background. He gave her a pointed look, like he knew how much Emma had fucked up and was trying to get her to start fixing things. 

Like Alyssa. 

“We need to talk.” 

~ ~ ~ 

They couldn’t talk immediately. 

Dee Dee demanded some kind of lead on the murderer so that they day wasn’t completely useless. Alyssa gave a description of the person who strangled her after some prompting but none of it was concrete evidence. To Emma it sounded like a basic hitman situation: dark clothes, face obscured by a mask, clinical execution of the target. 

Emma watched the entire exchange unfold from a safe distance and a counter between them. In her two years of murder solving she didn’t think she’d ever felt more uncomfortable with the subject matter. Emma knew why, but she wasn’t going to admit it to herself, not yet at least. 

Dee Dee did not look all too happy with the progress made but Trent had kicked her and Barry out of the shop, claiming no customers allowed after closing. Emma was truly grateful for it. She didn’t know how much more questioning she could have taken. Alyssa probably needed a break too. 

But now it was just Trent, Alyssa, and Emma left in Juilliard’s. Emma had been alone with Alyssa thousands of times. She had been alone with her today, yet Emma had never felt such fear at the prospect. Maybe it was because telling Alyssa they would never be able to touch would make it real. Emma hadn’t faced it yet and dreaded having to. 

Because that would mean admitting that Emma wanted to touch Alyssa again. 

A voice deep down told Emma she never stopped wanting to touch Alyssa Greene. 

“Is the spare room still open upstairs Emma?” Trent asked, breaking her out of her trance. “If not I have a spot in my apartment Alyssa can stay tonight. Assuming that you don’t have any place else? I’m assuming you don’t since, you know, the whole being dead thing.” Emma really needed to thank Trent later, despite his lack of tact. He was giving her an out with Alyssa, which she nearly took. But the longer Emma put talking to Alyssa off, the worse it would be. Especially if Alyssa tried to touch her. 

“She can stay here,” Emma replied, already thinking about Alyssa living in the same apartment as her like they planned their last year of high school. “I mean, unless you want to go stay with Trent, that’s totally cool.” 

Alyssa gave her a small smile. “It’s fine Emma. I might have to borrow everything from you though, since I only have the clothes on my back currently.” 

Emma remembered that she basically stole Alyssa away from her old life, even if that life had ended, without any warning or any of her things. “Of course.” 

“And tomorrow I can take you shopping!” Trent exclaimed. When both girls turned and stared at him he backed up. “If you aren’t busy, solving murders, dealing with your obvious unresolved issues, doing whatever hip millenial kids do.”

Trent slowly started to back towards the door, looking rather sheepish. “I’m gonna leave now Emma, please lock up I’ll see you tomorrow for opening bye guys!” 

With that Trent was gone. 

Time to face the music. 

~ ~ ~ 

“WE CAN’T TOUCH?!?” 

Emma may have blurted it out instead of calmly explaining the situation to Alyssa, hence her reaction. It was on par with Emma’s decision making skills of the day at least. Emma liked to be consistent. 

“The way my powers work,” Emma began after Alyssa seemed to have calmed down. “I can bring someone back to life by touching them, and they return to being dead when I touch them a second time.” Alyssa was sat on Emma’s couch, as far away as possible from Emma, who was leaning in the living room doorway while still being able to hold a conversation. Emma needed the space, because there always had to be space between them. 

“There is some sort of rule, I guess. The universe balancing itself out maybe. I don’t know you cannot really google stuff like this. I suppose it’s why Barry and Dee Dee got me to work with them, when they found out. Well, that and the fact I can ask dead people who killed them, but you know that.” Emma couldn’t get herself to say it. Why was this so hard? 

“For sixty seconds, everything is good. Life continues on. But if I touch someone and I don’t touch them again in sixty seconds, someone else dies.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back at it again with some soft gays 
> 
> maybe some angst

So far, Alyssa had died, been revived, essentially kidnapped by two strangers in a van, found out somebody else died in her place, and had to deal with not only the emotional trauma of seeing the girl who broke her heart and skipped town, but also the fact that that girl is the reason she’s still breathing. Figuratively and literally. 

Alyssa would never admit it out loud, but seeing Emma after all these years made her feel like an awkward teen again, all sweaty palms and fast-beating heart. Maybe it was the fact that her heart was beating again, but Alyssa remembered what it was like in high school, being with Emma, and it felt like this. 

For a brief moment when she woke up again, Alyssa had thought she was in heaven. Her mother would’ve been pleased that she made it to heaven after all, some horrible part of Alyssa’s brain had thought. She couldn't blame herself for thinking that, since Alyssa had been strangled. She had thought of Emma before she died, and then she woke up with Emma beside her. It was Alyssa’s idea of heaven after all. 

But this wasn’t heaven, Alyssa hadn’t made it there quite yet, and Emma’s revelations had been a gut punch. Alyssa was still alive because someone else had died, Emma let it happen, and Alyssa could never touch Emma again. 

Alyssa really should have been focusing on the former issue. Someone had died; it could’ve been her mother—what if it was her mother?—but all that was on Alyssa’s mind was the fact that she could never kiss Emma Nolan again. 

She hadn’t kissed Emma Nolan for five years. 

It was her fault. 

“Why, Emma?” It was all Alyssa managed to get out from her jumbled mind. “Why couldn’t you let me stay dead?” 

“Why did you have to die in the first place?” Emma shot back bitterly. Like it was somehow Alyssa’s fault they ended up in this situation. She supposed if you traced it back far enough, she might be. 

However, Alyssa did not put a hit out on herself, so she cannot be blamed for her ending up dead at 23. 

If Alyssa was being honest, her memory of the last two days before her unfortunate death were a bit blurry. It was as if her days had fast forwarded through certain parts like in the movies. She remembered waking up the day she died, and having lunch at her job at her mother's real estate company. The time in between was what Alyssa was drawing a blank on. 

That’s the main reason why she hadn’t been more helpful in solving her murder. Currently she didn’t know who killed her. But sat in Emma’s living room, she was hit with a memory of the day. A dark briefcase with no other noticeable features, possibly on her desk at her mother’s office. 

“I don’t know,” Alyssa replied honestly. “But now, maybe, I have an idea.” 

Emma seemed almost startled by this response. It was like Emma hadn't realized she had said it aloud, but Alyssa’s response seemed to shake her out of whatever place her mind was at. Alyssa didn’t know the time, since she wasn’t being buried with her phone or a watch, but she knew it was late. She felt tired, even though she had spent the last couple days sleeping—technically dead, but Alyssa was starting to think of it like a long nap. 

Emma gave her a soft look. “We can deal with that in the morning.” 

If Emma was going to continue to look at her with that expression, it was going to be a problem. 

“Hey, Emma,” Alyssa started, though not moving from her position on the couch because she didn’t trust herself to be close to Emma at this moment. “Can we, like, set down some ground rules or something? Because I don’t know how I’m not going to touch you.” 

Emma audibly gasped. Alyssa’s brain caught up with what she had said. 

“Because we’re living in the same apartment together!” She said hurriedly, trying to fix what her careless brain spilled out. Even though it was true, she had no right to want to be touching Emma. Even if she could without dying, it wouldn’t be appropriate. “And now that I have a second chance at life, I’d rather not abruptly die again.” 

“Of course,” Emma nodded. “You’re right. We should avoid touching at all costs. Umm….” Emma trailed off, looking around the room. 

“I have no idea how to do this,” Emma whispered softly. Alyssa barely heard it. She wasn’t sure she was supposed to. 

“I don’t either.” 

Their confessions hung in the space between them. The space that will always be between them. Despite that perpetual space, it felt as if the air was starting to clear. 

“We can brainstorm in the morning,” Alyssa decided. “We should both get some sleep.” 

Emma nodded again. Her eyes seemed unfocused, and Alyssa knew she was exhausted. As hard as Alyssa’s day has been, she knew Emma’s had been just as bad. 

Emma pointed in the direction of her bedroom. “I’ll see you in the morning, then, I guess.”

Emma had taken a couple steps towards her room when Alyssa realized something. “Emma?” Alyssa called out. 

Emma turned around. “I never said thank you for saving me, or bringing me back to life, whatever you did. So thank you. I didn’t enjoy, you know, being dead. I would much rather be here, alive.” 

Emma’s entire body seemed to soften, like she was able to let go of something with Alyssa’s words. She smiled softly at Alyssa. 

“You’re welcome.” 

The space was still between them, but Alyssa felt that maybe there could be a bridge.

~~~

Alyssa once again found herself sat at the counter of Emma’s pie shop. All she had eaten since dying was pie, but she wasn’t about to complain. Emma made the best pie she’d ever eaten, and Alyssa was dead anyway. It shouldn’t matter if she ate pie for every meal. 

It’s not like her mother knew and could yell at her about her figure. 

The two detectives from yesterday, Barry and Dee Dee, Alyssa thought, hadn’t shown up yet. Alyssa had followed Emma downstairs when she started preparations for the day that morning, mainly because she had nothing better to do. But also because Alyssa still couldn’t believe she was with Emma again. 

Alyssa hadn’t really slept the night before. The day’s revelations had laid heavy on her mind, and not to mention that every time Alyssa closed her eyes she could feel the pressure of the rope wrapped around her neck. 

The other two that Alyssa met yesterday, Trent and Angie, were around. Like before, Alyssa could feel their eyes on her at all times, and it made her nervous. She was used to being the centre of attention, being the popular cheerleader type in high school, but Alyssa apparently hadn’t shaken the fear of being seen with Emma, even after all these years. 

Emma was in the kitchen, leaving Alyssa somewhat alone with the other two. She was kneading the pastry for that mornings batch of pies, and Alyssa couldn’t tear her eyes away from the movements. She knew she shouldn’t, especially after the detailed conversation the two of them had had earlier that morning about how they couldn’t touch each other. But no matter how hard she tried, her attention was always drawn back to the movement of Emma’s hands and forearms. 

Alyssa was stopped from her staring when she felt someone sitting down on the stool beside hers. “So, what do you think?”

Alyssa looked away from Emma at when Trent spoke, feeling herself blush at being caught staring. 

“Of the restaurant!” Trent replied. “I tried to make it really appeal to the youths, you know. And Emma never gives me any good feedback.” 

Alyssa looked around the shop and took in the retro vibe that she thought would only really appeal to hardcore hipsters and people in their eighties. She couldn’t picture a teenager in here if she tried. 

“I’m shocked you haven’t been sued over the name,” Alyssa said instead of critiquing the decor. One of her better skills picked up from high school was how to move a conversation onto a better, safer topic. 

“Oh they tried, but the _'s_ really saved me.” Trent deadpanned, and Alyssa wasn’t sure whether to believe the story or not. 

Emma had emerged from the kitchen and was giving the two of them a strange look that Alyssa couldn’t place. She wasn’t given time or space to focus on it, however, because Angie had joined the two of them at the counter. 

“What are your plans for the day?” Angie asked, leaning on the counter to look directly at Alyssa past Trent. “Have you seen the city before? We should go around today! I’ll show you all my favourite parts!” 

Alyssa glanced over at Emma again, who was looking at her with fear in her eyes and seemed to be silently begging her to refuse. Alyssa’s mind unconsciously pictured walking the streets hand in hand with Emma as she guided her through all of the sights. Instead, it would be a woman she met only the day before, one of Emma’s coworkers. 

But still, Alyssa wanted to get out and see something for once. All her life, Alyssa hadn’t been able to go and _do_. Maybe now she could. 

“I’d love to, Angie, but I’m not sure what’s happening with the others.” 

The shop door slammed open. “Ask and I shall appear,” Dee Dee said as she entered the space, long cheetah print trench coat sweeping behind her. Alyssa had been murdered and this was who was solving her case. 

Barry followed behind after Dee Dee, but rather than making another grand entrance, he walked up to Emma and quietly talked to her for a minute. Dee Dee meanwhile continued straight on to where Alyssa sat. 

“How goes the remembering?” Dee Dee said without greeting, completely bypassing the other two sat next to Alyssa. 

“There was a briefcase, but that’s all I have,” Alyssa responded. Angie and Trent took their cue and left the pair. 

Dee Dee regarded her curiously. “Tell me more.” 

Emma and Barry has finished up their discussion and we’re making their way over to Alyssa and Dee Dee. Alyssa made eye contact with Emma as she was walking towards her and a wave of comfort washed over Alyssa. Emma gave her such a look of kindness and support, she felt like she could make it through this conversation. 

“I worked the front desk at my mother's real estate office,” Alyssa started. “I still can’t really remember the past two days, but when I was talking to Emma last night I had a flash, a sense, something.” Alyssa tried not to notice the look Barry gave Emma when Alyssa mentioned their conversation. 

“I was at the front desk, and somebody had walked in with the briefcase. And then later, not then, a different time, the briefcase was on a desk. It was open but it wasn’t facing me, so I don’t know what was inside. I know this sounds dumb but I feel like this _means_ something, you know?”

Alyssa didn’t say that the only thing she could remember before she died was a _briefcase_ , and not her mother, whose absence she feels with every breath. She didn’t say that despite not having her memory of the time Alyssa still knew her last moments were spent thinking of Emma. Thinking of the mistakes she made in her life that meant Alyssa was dying without Emma in her life. 

Even if they led her to where she was now, with Emma again. 

“Finally, something I can work with,” Dee Dee exclaimed. It wasn’t the reaction Alyssa was expecting. 

“Wait, what?” Alyssa stuttered. “I gave you next to nothing. How can you work with that?” 

Dee Dee looked at Alyssa disbelievingly “I’m a detective sweetheart, it’s in my job description.” 

“And,” Barry said, cutting in. “It seems like whatever was in the briefcase is tied to your death somehow, so we just need to figure out what was in the briefcase. Should be easy enough. All we need to do is talk to your mother about who was in that day.” 

Alyssa felt herself freeze up. Her mother had been playing second fiddle in her mind because of Emma, but she was still back home. Thinking she was dead. 

“We should head over there now. You know what they say, the sooner you catch a murderer the better. Come on Emma let’s get moving.” 

“NO!” It was loud, abrupt, and not at all what Alyssa was planning on doing. Honestly she wasn’t thinking at all. Panic filled her at the thought of her mother and Emma being alone together. It couldn’t happen. 

Everyone was staring at Alyssa. Alyssa was looking at Emma. 

Emma’s eyes betrayed her unease at the prospect of going back to Edgewater and seeing Alyssa’s mother. However, she agreed with Barry. 

“Give me an hour, and then we’ll go,” Emma said addressing Barry and Dee Dee. She ignored Alyssa’s protesting. “Meet back here.” 

Dee Dee seemed agreeable with this compromise. Her and Barry agreed to Emma’s request and left _Juilliard’s_. Emma motioned at Alyssa to follow her and started walking through the kitchen of the restaurant, up the stairs, and into her apartment. Alyssa followed, feeling hollow inside despite the panic that had settled in her chest. Once Alyssa was inside Emma shut the door behind them. 

Alyssa was the first to speak. “You shouldn’t have to go.” 

She paused for a moment to allow Emma to speak and continued on when she didn’t say anything. “Dee Dee and Barry can handle it. They are the detectives! Let them do their jobs.” 

Alyssa had started pacing as she talked. 

“It’s my job too,” Emma said softly. “Why don’t you want me to do my job?” 

Alyssa’s stomach fell and her breathing started to pick up. She faltered in step. 

“Emma you hate Edgewater, why would you go back?” Alyssa had to keep moving. Emma’s apartment wasn’t big enough. 

“It’s for you,” Emma whispered. “It’s to find out who killed you.” 

Was the apartment always this small? Alyssa wrung her hands together, pacing back and forth across the carpet, staring down at her toes, up at the ceiling, at the curtains drawn over the window - anywhere but at Emma, who was watching her with eyes full of concern. “I don’t care about that - I mean, it’s not worth it, Emma,” she said, more rambling to herself than anyone else. “It’s not worth it - if you would have to talk to my mother. She just… she never liked you, Emma, which you probably remember, and after everything that happened five years ago she would still freak out if she saw you, and with me dead who knows what she is like...” 

Her voice had grown higher and higher as she spoke, her breathing getting harder and thinner, more reedy in her throat, dark spots dancing in front of her eyes, and her head hurt - no, it felt like her brain was pulsing, _hammering_ in her head, trying to get out of her skull, trying to escape this circle of panic she felt. 

The dark spots cleared, slowly, like a heavy fog lifting off a city in the early morning, as the sun rose over its landscape. She blinked, rubbed at her eyes, but kept them closed, and pulled her limbs in closer to herself, waiting for the familiar feeling of fatigue to set in, as it usually did after she had a panic attack. She waited for her limbs to feel heavy and her chest to feel hollow. 

She waited, but all she felt was warm. 

Warm, and a feeling of softness, of security that she didn’t know the source of. She felt herself curled up tightly, and there was another feeling, all around her, enveloping her, like… 

Like a hug that she hadn’t felt in five years. 

She blinked slowly, raising her head from where it had been tucked in her arms that were wrapped around her knees. She was wrapped in an old blanket that looked like it had seen better days and that those days had been sometime about a century ago. Outside the blanket, Emma’s arms wrapped around her, holding her tight - but very careful not to touch her directly - and watching her with anxious eyes. 

“Are you okay?” Emma asked in a quiet voice. 

Alyssa didn’t know how to answer that particular question, so she decided not to. “You’re hugging me.” 

Emma cleared her throat and loosened her grip on Alyssa’s waist. She felt the loss of it immediately. “You were having a panic attack, and this is what used to work when-” Emma trailed off abruptly, like she was afraid to mention their past. Alyssa remembered when they were in high school, occasionally her mother, and cheer, and not being able to be herself became too much, Emma would hold her until she calmed down. Because being in Emma’s arms was one of Alyssa’s favourite places in the world. 

“I’m sorry,” Alyssa said, pulling the blanket Emma had now let go of up near her face. 

Emma shook her head. “You have nothing to apologize for. I’ve thrust an entire ordeal on you, I am not expecting you to be fine with everything.” 

Alyssa just noticed she was on Emma’s couch. She last remembered pacing on the opposite side of the room. Emma must have somehow shepherded her over to the couch all while not touching her. 

“And,” Emma continued. “I know you are scared of me and your mother - frankly I’m not looking forward to it either - but let me do this for you Alyssa. You were murdered, and I can figure out who did it.” 

Under the blanket Alyssa’s hands once again found the mark left on her skin by the rope used to strangle her. She wondered if it would ever leave. 

Alyssa nodded her head slightly, suddenly lacking the energy to do more. Emma checked her watch. “I need to leave soon okay? You can stay here, I’ll send Trent up to be with you if you need anything.” 

Alyssa felt herself melt into the couch and slid down so she was fully lying down. Emma got off the end of the couch and knelt down in front of Alyssa. “It’ll be okay,” Emma said with a small grin. 

Alyssa tried to believe her. 

“Thank you, Emma,” Alyssa said as Emma was walking out the door. She wasn’t awake to see if Emma heard. 

~~~

Trent has taken one look at Alyssa when he walked into Emma’s apartment and told her she was getting out of there. That’s how Alyssa now found herself in Trent’s apartment, a different, non-Emma scented blanket wrapped around her, and a carton of cookie dough Häagen-Dazs in her lap. 

Trent had given Alyssa free range over his Netflix account, so she had put on _Shrek_ , but wasn’t paying much attention to it. 

Trent was sat on the opposite end of the couch, obviously watching her. However, it took him half the movie to speak up. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Trent didn’t specify what part of Alyssa’s current situation he wanted to discuss. 

“Not really,” Alyssa said, not looking away from the television. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk about the dead thing, why not something else?” Trent asked. He seemed to have noticed that Alyssa was drifting away again instead of watching the movie. She couldn’t help it, knowing Emma was probably in the same room as her mother right now. 

Maybe she did need a distraction. 

“How did you meet Emma?” 

“Well,” Trent said as he cleared his throat. “Emma, Angie, and I were all waiters at the same restaurant what, three years ago. See, I was an actor. I guess technically I still am. But for a while I was, uh, in between jobs, so I worked at this _terrible_ restaurant and we all kinda bonded. I learned that Emma made delicious pies, and I kinda had a little money saved up from when I was on _Talk To The Hand_ -” Trent paused, as if waiting for Alyssa to say something. She didn’t. “Yeah nothing, figured as much. Anyway I used that money and I bought _Juilliard’s_. Recruited Emma and Angie, and the rest is history.” 

Alyssa couldn’t really comprehend all of the information that was just thrown at her. There was one thing that stuck out to her though. “You just, bought a bakery so Emma could make pies?” 

“Yeah, I mean I wouldn’t say that we got super close at work, because we had to work, but I could tell Emma-” Trent started. “Emma worked very hard and it seemed like she could use something stable, or sturdy. She was so young, but seemed like she had been through a lot, so I helped her get an opportunity that would be good for her, you know? 

“What about you?” Trent asked, completely changing the mood of his confession, and not giving Alyssa any time to process what he had said. “How do you know Emma?” 

Alyssa instantly felt the panic that the question of her and Emma always brought on. She tried to stamp it out a little, knowing that she wouldn’t be judged or hated here. This was one of Emma’s people, and Alyssa knew Emma would choose to surround herself with only who she felt was worthy. 

And yet Alyssa hadn’t talked out loud about her and Emma for five years, and she had never discussed their relationship with someone outside of Emma ever. It had been so long, Alyssa could hardly remember that last time she openinly admitted to herself she was a lesbian. Being with Emma the last day had been like stepping seamlessly into the past, but now that she wasn’t with Emma Alyssa suddenly remember the past five years she had been in the closet, repressing everything she was to please her mother. 

But now here she was. Alyssa Greene was free of her past, because she had died. She was free from her mother, which filled her with fear and some strangled sense of relief that she didn’t have the time, energy, or mental stability to unpack. Maybe this new Alyssa Greene could be comfortable with her sexuality. 

She wanted to try. 

Her heart was still racing and there was still a pit in her stomach. 

She could be brave and try. 

“Emma and I, we um - we were - you could say - we were together in high school.” 

Alyssa had never really said it out loud to someone other than Emma before. She thought she might feel relief, and she did, but her palms were still sweating and her stomach still felt like it was filled with lead. She needed to keep talking though, or else she never would. 

Alyssa has spent all of her life not talking about it. 

“We grew up in Indiana which wasn’t exactly the most welcoming of people who are _different_ , and Emma was outed and thrown out of her house by her parents, which was the most horrible thing in the world. So already it was a shitty situation, but my mother was head of the PTA and was homophobic. I couldn’t come out, so we hid our relationship.” 

Alyssa had kept it all bottled up for so long, and now it was coming out. 

“But, I had a plan. I asked Emma to prom. I wanted to dance with her so much that I didn’t even think about it. I was tired of being forced to go to every dance with whatever boy asked me because I was on the cheerleading team and popular when Emma couldn’t go. I was just so _tired_ , and prom was close enough to leaving for college that I could manage the repercussions. 

“And then they canceled the prom. Someone had found out Emma was going to take a girl to the prom and my mother and the rest of the parent’s lost their minds and I remembered my fear. When Emma got kicked out I tried to quiet it but all I could think was “this cannot happen to me,” and nobody knew about me but the prospect of Emma going to prom with a girl put our town into lockdown and my mother was behind it. What would she have done if she found out it was me? What if she knew it was me that was going to prom with Emma?” 

Trent was quietly watching Alyssa as she talked. Her cadence had risen by the end because even now Alyssa could still feel the exact fear she felt when she heard prom was cancelled. Alyssa could feel the sympathy coming from his expression, so she tried to tamper down the panic and recall that this was a safe place. 

“So, I told Emma that I couldn’t come out anymore. Emma was being harassed and blamed every day by kids and parents alike for canceling prom, even though it wasn't her fault, and I let her go through it alone. So she broke up with me.” Alyssa voice broke when she said it, still. 

“Of course she did, who was I to think that I could let her be ostracized and still be with her, but I was 18 and a fool. I should have done something for her, but I didn’t, and then Emma left town after high school and never came back.” 

Alyssa felt tears well up in her eyes. It was sad how she was still not over this breakup, even if she had not been able to move past it in any healthy way. 

Trent shifted closer to her on the couch. “Alyssa, it’s okay to not come out if you’re not ready. You need to do it at your own pace, when you feel comfortable and ready. And from the sound of it, you were neither. So stop blaming yourself for circumstances that were out of your control, and be happy that you are comfortable enough now, to be telling me about it.” 

The relief Alyssa had expected to feel earlier hit her at Trent’s words, and she felt herself collapse from it. Tears flowed freely now and Alyssa felt the weight of the world off her shoulders. 

Trent was hugging her now, and Alyssa found herself missing Emma. “Thank you Trent. What you said, it really means a lot.”

“You can stay here tonight,” Trent said. Alyssa’s body felt as if the lack of sleep and emotionally taxing day had caught up with her, so she nodded in agreement. 

“I’ll let Emma know you are here. Just rest now Alyssa. You are safe.” 

Trent left the room, and Alyssa again settled on the couch. Strangely, she did feel safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next time on extremely touched starved gays: emma v mrs greene 
> 
> thanks to my friend kelsie who wrote the alyssa panic attack bit because i asked her not seriously and she did it anyway and also has dealt with me yelling at her about this au for like a month.

**Author's Note:**

> more coming? yeah but nobody knows when.


End file.
